"Gone are all the days of begging
The days of theft
No more gasping for a breath
The air filled me head to toe
And I can see the ground far below
I have this breathe and I hold it tight
And I keep it in my chest with all my might
I pray to god this breath will last
As it pushes past my lips as I...
-Florence and the Machine
It's bittersweet really.
The end of another swim season, and still unsure of whether or not it may be my last., but I know that I love the people on the team too much to give it up completely. I was walking across campus alone late at night earlier this week and was contemplating friendships. How they start, how they end. How they grow, progress, dwindle, and how groups begin to form. Sometimes, well, a lot of the time I feel like I'm caught between all of these groups that have formed in my life. The worst part is that I legitimately want to be a close part in most of them (that's the worst part? What a hard life I lead.)
It's a social circus and I can't be the tightrope walker and the guy who swallows swords and a contortionist, can I?
Perhaps I dabble.
But then I never really fully commit myself to one thing. Then do any of the groups accept me? I just have a hard time choosing is what it really comes down to. I want to be able to spend my time where I want to spend it without the possible repercussions of not spending my time elsewhere.
Last spring I went to every home baseball game because the guy I considered to be my closest friend was a pitcher on the team. This spring I'm not going to go to many, if any at all.
Over the year, social interactions, or lack thereof change relationships. It's a fascinating world we live in, where an individual can alter your life, simply through interaction - no matter how small or large it may be. How something so little can make such a big difference, like color, for example. The inner workings of another persons mind is relatively unpredictable, and how they chose to explore their thoughts say so much about how their gears turn. And sometimes your gears mesh, sometimes they don't work at all, and sometimes there's a lot of invisible grinding that occurs before you realize that they don't fit together.
I think I've found places where I'm happy. I just need to balance them so that I can maintain the best the two most important things at school; my architecture friends and my swim team.